I have a confession to make. I never really had any children. Little Billy and Emma and Ray Ray and Jessica and Norman and Dillon and Lulubelle and Naomi and Stephen and Manuel...they were all subcontracted.

I know. It’s hard to believe that I’m not really their father, but the truth is, I’m not really a man, either. I’m a merman. I don’t have a penis. I’m not able to reproduce. So I felt inferior among all of you and bought all of these children, these hellions, these human creatures who have made my life a living hell and put me so deep into debt that I can’t afford to go out for sushi anymore.

And another confession. Derek Junior? He’s not at boarding school. He got a little too uppity one day when I was really pissed off and fighting back my interspecies carnivorous urges and I just had to eat that boy. Tasted a little bland. Next kid, I think I’ll make sure to add more garlic.